Like many, there was a fear of rejection. I programmed myself like a 1950s robot to express only the acceptable things that made me like the other humans. In short, I compartmentalized myself to death.
The word of the day is: compartmentalize.
On Tuesday afternoon he is one thing, on Friday night something else, and then transforms into another human being on Sunday morning. With this friend she can let her intellect run around free, but with another group of friends she restrains her truest Self.
We know these people and are them. Perhaps it is a natural human response to the vast number of responsibilities and roles we must take on. In this space, I want to think about how and why we compartmentalize our lives into distinct categories.
Disorder is characteristic of day-to-day existence, and human beings have varied responses to this fact of life. Some roll with the ups and downs and are basically disorderly themselves, most of the time. These are the chronically late folks who cannot follow through with commitments and change jobs/ residences frequently.
Disorder presents challenges to our mental health and is especially prevalent among those of us with some kind of diagnosis. Some incessantly clean or do other routine behaviors aimed at establishing some order out of the chaos.
A large number of us, and I have no idea how many, turn to substances or anything else for comfort — and that leads to addiction. I believe the pursuit of order is a driving force behind many drug addictions. In my case, this is certainly true.
This discussion is incomplete without investing a few sentences on the power of religion. Instead of drugs, food, exercise, workaholic-ism, or whatever else, many human beings align themselves with a specific source of religion that provides beliefs and a regular schedule.
Religion provides a comprehensive identity ready at any time for the willing devotee.
It is not that rare that we see some individual or family plan their lives according to the preferences of a religious sect.
In my opinion, all of the above examples are ways in which we choose to create some reliable comfort to soothe our worried, uncertain minds. Sometimes, the best we can do is to contain the many fires that appear with no hope of extinguishing the fire itself.
By this, I mean most people do not feel in charge of their lives as the director or producer, and instead live like an extra in a scene fighting daily to remain in the film.
Every person alive understands “putting out fires” in the metaphorical sense.
So, human beings compartmentalize their lives into manageable segments. We wish that perhaps the chaos will be less so once reorganized into smaller contests we stand some chance of winning. Perhaps most importantly, we must hide away our vulnerabilities and reveal them to a select few or none at all.
I have noticed that practically every person compartmentalizes all other people part of their world. We have groups here and there based on familiarity and purpose, and no person we know is extended membership in every grouping.
There are the friends from church, work, high school, college, and some of us have recovery friends. There might be your former acquaintances from a life of drugs who now are clearly incompatible with the sober you.
Most discover that they do not even like their drug buddies once no longer under the influence. But, let’s not digress much further in this direction.
Has anyone out there ever erred and let a friend from group A spend time with you and another set of friends from group B? Even for just a few hours?
The results are disastrous and can cause irrevocable damage to one or more of your relationships among any involved. You will become frazzled and distressed.
Also, we in Western Civilization have longed divided the spiritual from the secular. There is religion and then what we do during the majority of our hours and minutes. At least, this state of affairs has been accurate for most people for a long time.
As a result, compartmentalization harms the half who is religious and the other side of the Self who ignores spiritual matters while working, shopping, attending to the family, and etc. We are left incomplete.
We are neither spiritual beings who are secular nor secular beings who are spiritual.
Good health means to embody the person you are without fear of being too much of one thing or not enough of another.
Maybe it is not a house divided but instead a heart and soul divided. The whole Self is never invested into any one repeated activity, due to compartmentalization.
Most likely, people find it easier to partition their personality into digestible portions that mostly conform to present company and circumstances. People are much more afraid of being themselves than morphing into someone else.
We do not like walking out on a limb by ourselves. People fear opening up and broadcasting the weirdness that lurks inside, but we do not completely change who we are and instead modify, rearrange, and adapt.
Most people are very vacillating when the whole picture is viewed.
I once was something like a chameleon changing colors according to social setting. Well, this is correct, but I had far fewer opportunities than average to compartmentalize due to difficulties meeting and connecting with people. Regardless, I am saying I have been guilty of the stuff in this article.
However, I committed to changing about two or three years ago. The reasons are many and seem obvious to this person, now, who is typing these words.
I was not comfortable with myself and had little confidence in my thoughts. Therefore, why would I ever reveal my entire being, including all those behaviors and beliefs I feared having, to everyone, all the time?
No. Weaknesses were forbidden and must be buried. Like many, there was a fear of rejection. I programmed myself like a 1950s robot to express only the acceptable things that made me like the other humans. In short, I compartmentalized myself to death.
No one was allowed to know that person, including me.
I have seen the light and now realize that my mental health depends most of all on uncompromising self-acceptance. Is “most of all” too strong of a statement? I am not sure.
Now, I hope that relationships are more satisfying and long-lasting. When not being yourself, one can expect relationships built on shaky ground.
The “real you” will be outed at some point, and all or most of your vulnerabilities are then visible for public display. Unless you are an evil person, there is no reason to be afraid.
Actually, I think it is partly vulnerability that is behind the tendency to compartmentalize our lives. When forced to “wear many hats” as father, mother, son, daughter, employee, upstanding moral citizen, and more, we assume we cannot be all these things perfectly.
We dread the likelihood that there is some unprotected spot in our armor. We compare ourselves with others who, from a distance, seem to have no weak points and handle every little thing so splendidly.
This is exactly the way I viewed the world for the longest time, assured that I was unable to perform any role as well as others.
There was a southern boy from a rural, conservative background. Then, there was an intellectually curious PhD student who lost most of his native accent. There was a friend who pretended not to have mental illness, and never talked about it. Furthermore, I was also the good son who was petrified to become the person he really was, and so submerged his heart’s desires very deep, indeed.
Eventually, I found myself in other roles that were complete surprises. I was the weekend drinker who hid his hobby and explained away his growing problem. Next, I turned into a person dependent on a drug to function who drove everyone away lest they found out his horrid reality.
My addiction made an introverted, shy person habitually anti-social rather than the “life of the party.”
To be clear, I am saying compartmentalizing only underlined my weaknesses even more and was one of the leading factors driving my substance use and dire depression.
The drunk person must not interfere with the sober-minded student and teacher, nor should he ever visit the son who always does what is expected, yet we all know that drinking can make a person uncontrollably belligerent. Thus, the addict will always introduce himself to everyone else in the room. It will turn out embarrassing, for sure.
As it happened, none of those separate pieces of myself were happy, and none had a real identity. As a perfectionist, as well, my vulnerabilities could not be tolerated, which only offered more motivation to divide my Self.
Then, my whole world collapsed before the pieces could be picked up and, this time, put together under the supervision of mental health professionals.
Unlike those dark days, now I imagine myself to be only one person. I try and mostly succeed at consistently allowing my inner light to shine through to the outside world.
Dear readers, the lesson for today/the evening/the morning/ the night is that the word of the day countermands positive mental health when applied so systematically and completely. I tried that, and it does not work.
We must become who we are and exhibit the vulnerable parts despite any misgivings we have. We must find stability in a more open and honest way of life.
Certainly, everyone should ignore those who warn us against living out in the open and remind us to conceal anything that might be uncomfortable or unpopular.
There is only one alternative to the path I walked in a previous incarnation of my life, and that is to seek authenticity over comfortability. Be an integrated person instead of one drastically compartmentalized.
As always, the first step toward a better mental state is learning to love all the parts of ourselves.
People will learn to love you, or not, but the detractors will always be there no matter what. Sincerity attracts sincerity, and healing begins once we stop pretending to be perfect.
Loved this line, “Maybe it is not a house divided but instead a heart and soul divided. The whole Self is never invested into any one repeated activity, due to compartmentalization.” Great piece of writing. Thank you for sharing!