The following is inspired by my new book, My Own Ashes. You can order the book at the following link:
I tend to see life as a story and people as characters. Why? It might be because of my youth, when I watched many television shows and movies to pass the time.
You see, I did not like to leave home and do things. By things, this included the typical little league and other clubs that would have taken me from my comfort zone and sat me down in the middle of a bunch of strangers. I was terribly shy. Is there a stronger word than shy? I cannot think of one, but it seems this word is too common for what my condition was like.
Even back then, old movies were fascinating. These mostly were from the 1960s and 1970s. I memorized lines of dialogue and the names of actors like Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, and Charlton Heston.
Also, my point of view had something to do with watching the world more than participating in it. The interactions outside my grandmother’s window, or at the grocery store, registered as scenes much like in some movie that came on the TV. That is how I processed life back then.
To some degree, this has not changed.
To write My Own Ashes, I scoured my memories for important clues to solve many mysteries of my life and also this existence we all share. I began to survey the changes that have taken place, and as always, many big questions entered my awareness.
If you know me at all, then you might know that I must grapple with the big questions all the time. I was even doing that as a lonely-yet-well-entertained boy in front of my grandmother’s giant television.
I wonder how much we change in life. Specifically, are we the same person at every stage, no matter what is happening, or do we change our character from one to another at different steps along our life’s journey?
I can put this in a different way. Someone could say that the character we are playing goes through an arc just like in the movies, and thus change happens but we remain the same person. Or, another can argue that we put down old characters for new ones, and are a different person in middle age, or in old age, than when young.
What do you think? Are you the same person now compared to in the past?
I tend to think we have an unalterable essence that never dies. Likewise, we can only transform so much of ourselves and cannot occupy a fundamentally new consciousness, or soul, or whatever word you might use. When do we become our true selves? This is yet another issue that plagues this complicated subject.
We reach who we are somewhere in our childhood. I am on the fence on this one, as I am not sure if my soul matured as a young child or somewhere in teenage-hood. I do believe that children know much more than we think and understand deep questions like these without being able to express what they can sense is true.
If you, like me, also can envision life as some kind of movie, then we learn who we are toward the beginning and spend the rest of the film trying to explain our identity to ourselves and the world. Those who are unsure of themselves tend to find trouble in life.
The great Carl Jung talked about human beings’ failure to communicate themselves to others as a type of tragedy. He wrote, "The reason for evil in the world is that people are not able to tell their stories.” The inability to tell our story is much the same as feeling intense loneliness and isolation. So, we must work hard to guarantee our movie gets “made” and does not waste away as a script in someone’s desk drawer.
Think about two old friends meeting who have not been together in many years. Many people say something like this: “It was as if we just started again wherever we left off before, like our absence from one another never happened.”
I find this sentiment to be very true. Whatever connection built between two people does not change, because each person is basically the same where it counts. This is an argument one can make anyway, but feel free to disagree.
If someone wrote down your core attributes, and made every effort to capture your spirit in words, would you recognize yourself when your characteristics are read aloud? It is a fair question. Could you identify how you appear to other people, if it were an honest assessment?
To respond to any of my questions, one must have some knowledge about his or her identity. This has been a roadblock in my life and something discussed in the book.
For the longest time, I did not understand I was allowed to make choices about doing this or that, and being one thing or another, like most people take for granted. There was extremely low self-esteem stemming from a not-fully-understood childhood trauma.
My life has been unique for many of the things that did not happen; those milestones that we reach at the appropriate age.
I refer here to the American Dream and its absence in my life. So many films have something to do with advancing toward some version of the American Dream, yet striving to fulfill some role others thrust upon us can result in negativity and suffering.
It may be that you were cast as the wrong character. Your role is ill-fitting and you should ask the producer for some other part in the story. Not everyone will find their rainbow that is supposed to exist on the other side of a family, home, and average middle-class existence.
Anyway, you must know something of who you are to engage the primary question of this article. You may wake up one day to find the disappointment you feel is because you have been consistently miscast. You are in dire need of a change in direction and probably a new agent. I find this all interesting in part because of the themes in my book, My Own Ashes.
There is an overcomer story here but no typical self-help, everything is now wonderful outcome. I have become a person who came a long way, from not believing he was a “real” person to having the confidence to write a book.
We can only undertake a hard thing like writing a memoir if we think we have worth and others could learn something from our story. Depression and writing, despite what others might say, do not work well together.
It is hard to see any silver lining to anything while in the grip of debilitating depression. Well, it is this way with me, anyway. Writing for publication is inherently a forward looking, hopeful endeavor. My mental illness does not always allow me to have faith in the future.
Yet, many things are different now. My movie includes some twists and turns that the audience could not have predicted. I mean, a terribly shy young man learned to speak to people as their teacher. Looking back, it was like a miracle had taken place.
So, without question, I have not been a static person unmoved by the contingencies we all face. As has been said, the only constant in life is change.
Sometimes I think about who would play me in a movie of my life. I never can think of anyone who would fit, especially the young, very sad version of me.
Here is one last question: Who would play you in the story of your life? I refer to you at any point on the timeline you wish.
First, you must consider when your character became the person you now see in the mirror. Think about the setting and circumstances of the time. You must pin down an age range, of course, to choose your actor or actress.
For me, mental health and addiction were involved in this life turnaround. Terrible things took place that I wish had not happened. Yet, the bad stuff perhaps was necessary to shake me free of old demons.
One thing I learned for sure: we must strive to take everything as a learning experience. One’s situation can improve, and he can begin to become more like himself—due to drama that no one could have seen coming. Thanks for reading.
You can order below:
There is so much to think about here on this post. Your writing always gets me to think!
Oh Strawbridge, what a piece: How Much Do We Change? I cannot wait to receive my copy of your book, when released.