The Success Behind Secrets

Science and Common Sense Agree

by breanoap

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In some ordinary situation, have you ever hesitated to answer a non-friend’s probing questions about your life for reasons you cannot articulate? You do not want to do it, but you are unsure why.

I do not mean super-invasive stuff that might be embarrassing. I refer more so to how you actually feel about someone or something and not that kneejerk response within the zone of the acceptable and non-threatening.

Now, I bet you have some idea. We all do this. Honesty is dangerous.

In fact, honesty is a weapon, and when we are pushed to think and exist in an environment more revealing than the norm, we are unsure and a little afraid.

When we are considering disclosing information, we have to think about a few things. Will the person be able to handle it? That is one. But more important to this story and to our sense of self-preservation, we ask: What will I gain from keeping this secret or lose from letting people know?

In mental health, my comrades and I are often pushed to set and reveal goals. The logic is that making plans for desired outcomes enforces hope and effort toward all the good things in life. Goals protect against feelings of “life is meaningless” and reinforces that our eyes should remain set on future possibilities and not past regrets.

For some folks, and I am guessing many of you are out there, the revealing part of the goal system can be distressing. Setting them is not as hard as letting other humans know exactly, without any editing, what we want.

As you can guess, I am reticent to allow others into that private vault of my mind that holds every opinion, hurt, and dream picked up along life’s journey. Some of us are more private than others for reasons too numerous to count.

Now, there is scientific evidence that supports my instincts. I found research about the positive effects of secrecy in Peter Gollwitzer’s “Does Society Widen the Intention-Behavior Gap?”

This study found that people who share their goals with others are less likely to maintain and successfully realize them. The authors (more than one) also indicated “the more passionate you are about your goals, the more secretive you should be about them.”

Now, this has always been my suspicion. This should not be construed as any horn-tooting on my part, because my preference to hold back information had much to do with fear and superstition.

Before we move on with more results of the research, I want to ask you: Are you a lot or a little superstitious? To our point here, do you believe that stating something as true before it happens curses that thing to never happen?

I am raising my hand and feel no shame about it. We are not supposed to adhere to unscientific, off-putting, primitive, uncool when shared around the office, beliefs. Yet, I hate to talk about something before it comes to pass. I get quite annoyed at someone who keeps pushing me to do this.

At times, I am conflicted. An old, reliable voice tells me to hold back everything and use information only at the most advantageous opportunities. Another, more laid-back, probably tie-dye wearing voice informs me to be more of an open-channel artist who wears his emotions on the outside.

Okay, now let us get back to some proven facts. We should not advertise our goals or even the small successes we have made toward them. Doing so tricks our brains into thinking we have actually done what we are blabbing about.

For example, it is common to want a small reward for the steps we have made toward exercise. Maybe we have bought some equipment, planned out a good route for walking or jogging, purchased a gym membership, or have even been exercising for a week or two.

We are stimulated when another acknowledges our efforts, and that is the problem. The brain interprets success and gives us a boost of feel-good juice. Then, the brain tells us to be satisfied more than hungry for doing what makes the goal a reality.

We become complacent before we have a right to feel this way. Just from observations, I can attest that this seems to be right. We know people who are more talk than substance. We also can think of folks in the past or present who like to create the illusion of accomplishment by doing everything except the actual thing they indicate they are doing.

The article also states, in my words, that since people are afraid of failure we are more likely to stay committed to an outcome that has not been shared. That is because we have not been given any spotlight that the brain reads as progress. As long as others are unaware, we have the motivating factor of failure acting in its full capacity.

Although, disappointment can occur no matter what we tell or do not tell, when our schedule or circumstances change. I can attest to that. Many years ago, my obsessive workout plan became increasingly harder to sustain due to turmoil that could not be avoided. Simply put, sometimes we get busy or distracted and those windows of time we dedicate to a goal disappear or rearrange.

Major change is inevitable. So, it is necessary to set “implementation intentions” along with imagining an ultimate result we hope materializes. Therefore, setting a goal is not enough. Human beings need to establish how we will get there and not just the objective we envision.

You might interpret that statement as common sense, and it is. But the how must come before the what, in my opinion. Maybe it is a matter of what we emphasize. There are vacations, moving to other cities or homes, a change in working hours, and others you can imagine. For me, there have been periods of despair we can also call Major Depression. But, let’s not go there in this story.

There was a time when my routine was upended for two weeks due to traveling across the country. So, I adjusted, did my best to estimate distances, and ran around a little community of houses, streets, and friendly dogs.

There is a little more to this story apart from the interesting commentary about goal-setting. To confess, when I hear that word goal there is a bit of a “right, here we go again,” response. That’s just me. Is it you?

Anyway, I have an interest in secrecy, brevity, and privacy. It is due to my formative environment surrounded by near-constant gossiping and a feeling of, real or not, living in public view all the time.

I have heard so many people say something like: “I have no filter. I just say what is on my mind.” Well, I do not believe them. Speaking something of this kind is evidence of an awareness of the impact of words. No, I think a person like that measures the influence of their statements, and the want to be publicly acknowledged as a “straight shooter” proves that someone engages in the common practice of editing themselves.

Like most anything, I feel that secrecy gives to us and takes away, too. There is the problem of intimacy. Not surprisingly, this has been a challenge in my life that may never be overcome. I still see the wisdom of withholding information.

How can we draw the line between sharing our souls and protecting them? Admittedly, in the past and present there are times when I feel like a “secret agent man” who remains suspicious of people and situations.

Certainly, I can see how extreme privacy can lead to paranoia. As always, I must consider and weigh how any particular thing affects my mental health. Do you have any answers, dear reader? I know you do.

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Gollwitzer, Peter M., et al. “When Intentions Go Public: Does Social Reality Widen the Intention-Behavior Gap?” Psychological Science, vol. 20, no. 5, 2009, pp. 612-18.

Azab, Marwa. “Why Sharing Your Goals Makes Them Less Achievable.” Psychology Today. January 1, 2018. www. psychologytoday.com.

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THANKS FOR READING. PLEASE SUBSCRIBE BELOW.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT KEEPING INFORMATION PRIVATE?

IF YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE, WOULD YOU RATHER BE AN OVERSHARER OR A GUARDED, HYPER-EVASIVE TYPE OF PERSON?