Let's Talk About Silence
What best describes you?
Read and there is an interesting question at the bottom, based on this story. Well, I think it is, but some say I’ve been wrong before.
Quiet. Introverted. Shy. Reserved. Private.
I am confident that someone has used each of these terms to describe me. They represent the most consistent way that others have summarized what I am like. People do this to you all the time, I bet.
For any person in my life or adjacent to it, it is obvious I am not boisterous, loud, outgoing, or talkative most of the time. Others like to quickly label us for their and not our benefit. This fact is probably common knowledge or should be.
There are a million factors that shape us, and this also is widely known. Thankfully, I do not intend to discuss all of that, but I would like to talk about the silent people, my life as one of them, and how we falsely assume that similar but distinctive terms are each interchangeable.
Until well into adulthood, I was afraid to talk and declined doing so unless absolutely necessary. It never profited me to say things, or at least I believed this was true. Looking back, my inclination was correct excepting the times I needed to “stand up for myself.”
I like the term “painfully shy,” because the words succinctly tell the story of what it is like when one person in a group hates talking. For many, silence is as sharp as a blade cutting into the skin. Silence hangs in the air like a nauseating odor for as long as an uncomfortable encounter lasts.
I could write a full-length book on my history of awkward situations around “normal” people. One can tell when others are frantically searching for exit strategies in their mind. Their eyes appear unsettled, and their bodies are fidgety.
Car rides can be like torture. There is no way to escape until we get to the destination.
Normies may never understand how some of us value words enough not to waste them. Actually, for me talking is exhausting. I must seek some refuge when forced to continue to listen and respond for extended periods. An uninteresting conversation is like bad music played at obnoxious volumes. The constant noise typical of most public places scatters my mind and forces me to process too many things at once, and nothing gets communicated at all.
At a place where writers gather, I am sure to find those who sympathize. You have to think to write, and the best thinking happens when mouths are closed.
Introverts
Now, I want to refocus on those words at the very beginning. They are used carelessly as if each means the same thing. Someone who refrains from talking most of the time might be called introverted, quiet, shy, reserved, or private.
Introverted is a popular term now. It has no negative baggage that comes with the others. Someone is paying you a compliment when declaring you an introvert.
Some people pretend to, and many actually do, respect inward reflection more than focusing outwardly on what is acceptable. Introversion reminds us of serious people who are not frivolous and immature.
We are talking about wise folks who carry lessons learned within their souls. One does not have to be quiet to be an introvert, but the two things work together quite well. Introverts can be secret extroverts and vice-versa.
These types of people process and compare information and realize that some things learned are more important than others. In fact, lots of stuff does not matter at all.
The Quiet
There are lots of reasons why someone is quiet. He or she may not be introverted. A quiet person might feel inhibited and actually wish to talk more.
I mean, remaining quiet can feel like it is imposed by others and not chosen by the individual. Quietude can stem from growing up around intimidating people and situations. So, fear is a factor.
So is low self-esteem. Occasionally, I can still find myself wondering if I have permission to talk.
Then, there are the people who simply had rather not speak most of the time but have plenty of confidence. You may feel this way some or all of the time, dear reader.
For the most part, I find that words are cheapened by using lots of them. Seek to be that person who rarely speaks so that others treasure your words. Most will remember that “When she speaks up, it is always something of great value.”
The Shy
Shyness is very complex. Shy folks can get mislabeled as introverted. It is often said that children are bashful and avoidant. This indicates that people outgrow these instincts, and therefore shyness can be construed as a phase to leave behind (but not always true).
Someone we conclude is shy may have gotten that way because of cognitive distortions—misjudging what they see and feel. Again, low self-esteem is very instrumental here, and I can relate.
In the past, I felt like my preferences and experiences were less valid than the loud and frequent talkers. I and many other folks wrongly assume that those who speak up all the time are the most confident. They know something we do not and deserve leadership roles.
Well, I wish I had never learned that devious lesson. It would have saved many heartaches. More accurately, people who talk too much are trying to convince themselves and everyone around them of their strength and self-assuredness. We are getting close to the psychological profile of a bully, dear reader.
The Reserved
Let’s not travel any further down this path. Instead, I want to evaluate the most mysterious of our synonyms and one that someone recently applied to me: reserved. This was a first.
I decided quickly that it must have been a mistake. When I look in the mirror, reserved is not what I see. However, is this wishful thinking?
Reserved implies holding back some truth for a later, more convenient time. It is a calculated decision meant to gain some advantage. I think of Michael Corleone from the great Godfather movies, and I have never classed myself as a criminal mastermind.
Reserved reminds me of a cold person. He or she might be scheming, and that translates to: “He seems to be up to something.”
No thanks. I mean, I feel lots of emotion and passion, but perhaps that is not what others see. Honestly, I know that I have masked all my life for self-defense and to appear as the disinterested, cool guy with all his stuff together.
Many of you know about masking. It is a common tactic of the neurodivergent and those with mental illness.
Here is more hardcore truth-telling. I want to be a passionate artist with unconcealable emotions, raw and a smidge troubling, that fuel inspiring works that others feel. I do not want to be false in any way, and this is my peculiar interpretation of reserved.
Also, I might be judging the word unfairly. Someone out there probably has a different take. Let’s move on once again.
The Private
Now we come to what private means, and this is the one I’ve been eagerly anticipating.
In our contemporary world, nothing makes more sense than to zealously guard one’s privacy. Never has it been easier to invade and abuse our inner sanctums where we store secret knowledge and precious memories. So much of who we are now corresponds to various numbers and codes.
It is much more difficult to snatch a physical body and hold someone hostage than to manipulate systems and appropriate those numbers that represent us.
However, I was a private person well before the Information Age. This was always my modus operandi.
Growing up in a gossip culture, as a sensitive and thinking kid, made me quite paranoid. Yeah, but I was not wrong. There were sound reasons to be that way.
Let’s abandon identity theft and all considerations related for a minute. Many among us are quiet, shy, introverted, and reserved, because of an instinct that other people can hurt us. We choose privacy instinctively and then knowingly as we mature.
Privacy is wise. It is foolish to “put your business on the street” haphazardly and frequently. Of course, we can go too far and create desolate lives of isolation, and then we become lonely. It is a personal weakness that I cannot always reach a sensible compromise between mindful privacy and keeping all the other humans at arm’s length.
Anyway. I select the term private to best describe how I see myself. No doubt, I have heard people say “he keeps to himself” many times.
So, if you are the silent type, I would like to hear what you think best describes you: quiet, introverted, shy, reserved, or private? Please respond and let us know.
Oh, and there is nothing wrong with being an extrovert. If you are thinking I am biased in favor of my hushed and placid comrades, you are right.
THANKS FOR READING. I APPRECIATE EVERYONE WHO READS AND/OR COMMENTS. ENGAGING WITH STORIES, SHARING THEM, AND SUBSCRIBING SUSTAINS BELIEF IN MY ARTISTIC ASPIRATIONS.
I’m introverted but not quiet. If you get me talking I can’t shut up.
I’ll take them all and add hermit to the list 🙌