Only the Broken-Hearted

Different forms of Loneliness

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I did not know about different kinds of loneliness until recently. I think this is a great idea, although not every type is unique from the other types. So, we can pick and choose which holds value versus those that are redundant.

If I were to choose one word to define my life thus far, lonely would be in the top three. I feel that I understand loneliness very well. We are old frenemies.

That is right, loneliness can actually be comforting at times because what is familiar is less scary than what is unfamiliar. Being so close to Mr. Lonely is like hanging out with someone you do not like but who is easy to figure out. There is little brainwork required.

My loneliness is pathological, which I take to mean something intrinsic to a person that he or she cannot change, or pathological is indicative of a mental condition more than a mere state of mind. But everything can be improved right?

I believe so, but improvement is not the same as elimination. For some of us, life is cold because we cannot help but analyze, analyze, and analyze some more. The act of breaking down what we see is by its nature mostly a joyless process that promises enlightenment but not contentment.

Furthermore, some of us cannot fit in neatly to the roles that make others feel comfortable. We cannot conform in a way that pleases people. Thus, others are at least a little agitated by our presence. For instance, I cannot pretend to be interested in something boring without unsustainable, monumental, effort.

I am pathologically lonely because feeling detached from almost everything can happen just as easily around people I know as with no one else around. Those lonesome feelings have been most pronounced, in fact, during gatherings to celebrate something.

Avoidance became my coping skill, because it feels extra-terrible to be unable to perform something that everyone around you can do with ease. I should be noticeably joyful while attending a holiday function, but my heart never let my head go with the flow.

Parties? Forget it. Going to such things felt like my skin was on fire and time was ticking away in slow motion. It seemed like all others realized there was an imposter among the crowd.

I want to go into depth on this subject. So, let’s focus on a few forms of loneliness. Everyone at some point finds themselves in unwanted solitude. By the way, loneliness has a helpful side, as well.

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Existential Loneliness

This one parallels all I have said thus far. Methinks this is the deepest and hardest to climb out of kind of loneliness. However, that is debatable.

Certainly, I have experienced existential problems all my life and well before I had heard of the term. Here I refer to matters of existence and one’s detachment from society based on some disagreement or worry with life itself. Someone with existential loneliness might say “Life is by its nature a lonely state of being.”

We enter the world alone and leave it the same way. Have you ever heard someone utter this phrase or one like it? This might be the root of existential loneliness but surely is not the only form it takes.

Many times I have mourned the fact that the struggle of life forces people into opposite corners as part of the everyday competition for everything. If we are to be individuals who are fully actualized, as mental health recommends, then each man or woman’s journey must be undertaken with the understanding we are ultimately alone. No matter the people who visit our lives, and those who stay there semi-permanently, life isolates us. This is a fact, and I do not think this is pessimistic. Not unreasonably so, anyway.

Emotional Loneliness

I must admit this story is becoming mostly a confessional rather than a disinterested analysis of a topic. Well, so be it.

Emotional loneliness is a disconnection from one’s surroundings, social circles, and peer groups. In short, it is a lack of belonging, and I know this one well.

We do not talk about belonging nearly as much as we should. Are we pack animals that share many of the same needs as wolves and other creatures who stick together? If you disagree, that does not mitigate how so many people, in the midst of many other people, feel no comradeship with those others whatsoever.

Emotional loneliness has something to do with the fakery that characterizes human interactions. Our conversations are disposable and mostly for display purposes. We rarely ever get to anything real and remain scared to show emotions in public.

No wonder our lives are superficial and lonely. Even people in relationships might not reveal themselves to each other. We are afraid of truly being seen. “They might not like the real me,” is the common refrain.

Romantic Loneliness

This one is self-explanatory, but maybe I can provide a few insights. Yes, I am quite sure I can. My mental illness includes this mysterious inability to foresee potential love interests and forge those kinds of bonds that other people make.

Probably, I am not alone here. What I describe might be explained by anxiety, Autism, or other unknown and unnamed disorders. The end result is a lonely frustration of not having something inside that others have—who seem to easily form relationships.

There are also confused and jealous emotions. People who are lonely in this way cannot grasp the rules of life or simply master what to do to achieve the desired outcome.

We have difficulty arriving from point A, some initial resolution that we like a person, to point B where communing with that person leads to something more than an acquaintanceship. A large segment of men complain now of relational loneliness, and I believe we should not discount what they’re saying. Most of them are not women-hating troglodytes. To remind, loneliness can lead to self-harm, especially when there seems no remedy for that aching sadness.

Situational Loneliness

Ahh, the one every person on earth has felt. Life tosses us around and will leave us on an island from time to time. Except, I do not speak of a fun, tropical island with lots of parties, good times, and relaxation. This is more like Gilligan’s Island where the stranded are trying to escape.

Holidays and anniversaries cause many to feel downhearted, and I have already surveyed how getting together in a group setting has often made me feel terribly alone. Any date that is an occasion for remembering might also be one for focusing on the loss of someone or some thing.

Plenty of people feel lonely in a new place. Big cities offer so many situations for meeting and greeting but can make a person feel lonely, too. The hustle of the city makes it appear that humans care little for other humans and are only motivated by the grind of making a living.

It might take many years of loneliness to find that group of people who fill that need to belong with others. One might be in the wrong place, as in job, university, or city. Sometimes we do not comprehend where we belong until we are out there living and striving in the “real world.” Hopefully, everyone can secure that set of circumstances that makes them whole.

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Depending on who you ask, there are many more categories, but they overlap too much to catalogue each and every one. There is so much more that I want to say about loneliness, but I am not sure where to turn. Oh well, let’s review music a minute or two and see where that goes.

Here is a controversial statement: Loneliness is the most frequent topic of songs. Some good-hearted and smart person out there just thought: But what about love? It has got to be love, right?

I disagree. Loneliness is always part of love songs, and love is always intertwined with songs of loneliness. If not spoken aloud, fears of becoming lonely, or remembrances of it, are always there somewhere even in “happy” music. It is the end of loneliness or the desperate war against it that persuades people to sing about love. We fear loneliness more than we love love.

I want to highlight one song for this story, Eric Clapton’s “Only the Broken Hearted.” You might interpret the song in a different way, and that is fine. There seems to be some distress or dread about loss. We did not cover grieving loneliness, because I thought it was not necessary.

Clapton sings:

Because there's a place where we can go
Where we will not be parted
And who alone will enter there?
Only the broken-hearted

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The world breaks your heart. This is sure to happen if you are lucky enough to live for a while.

I believe loneliness is so troubling to us, because we know it is inevitable. We can stash away this knowledge in the subconscious and hope it never breaks free and leaks into our conscious mind, but that is impossible to maintain. Every once in a while, even when contented, the reality of life raises its hand and rouses the loneliness in each of us.

In this context, the broken hearted represent all who have loved someone or something. To know love is to prompt existential despair. To open your heart is to invite people to break it. And since most of us desire the warmth of love, we are both broken-hearted and lonely. Not most of the time, but enough of the time.

Let’s part ways with something a bit more positive. Loneliness is also a gift. It is the ability to think and act in solitude, solving one’s personal mysteries and those of the universe. Without it, we would be led like sheep from one trivial matter to another and never really live and never touch upon our vast potential.

Try to view loneliness as an opportunity. You can analyze away unencumbered by what you probably are not interested in and reach great depths of understanding. For you and for me, though, I hope loneliness is never a permanent condition.

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