So What Did You Expect?

How Expectations lead to Angst

A broken castle

Expectations

Playing the lottery would be unbearable if someone believed winning was a likely outcome. That individual would endure terrible letdowns over and over. He would stop investing in the lottery or lose his mind trying.

How we perceive our lives, as in if things are going well or not, is largely based on expectations. Therefore, we must factor expectations into the state of our mental health, as well.

I think that mental health concerns of every type are existential in some way. The average diagnosis and treatment does not include existential thinking, for the most part. But, in my opinion, angst, anxiety, melancholy, obsession, and delusions have much to do with the gap between what we think should happen and what occurs most of the time. These things are deep and concern the nature of mankind and what we should be doing and that forced upon us as inescapable circumstances.

We should ask ourselves the following questions: Is it better to have high or low expectations? Where do expectations come from? I mean, who or what creates the beliefs that we internalize?

The Holidays are a Challenge

The holidays are a good place to start. If the ones you celebrate are not in November and December, then that is fine. Think of those instead of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Or if you abstain from holidays, I am sure some other type of high-pressure obligations will come to your mind.

I want to make it clear that I try to enjoy the holidays and will always have positive memories along with some negative ones. I had rather everyone be as happy as they can at any time of year.

There is no doubt that Christmas carries expectations in every ritual, song, get-together, and seasonal-themed movie. Most people have responsibilities of some kind, and those are always a mix of “I can’t wait to do that” in addition to “I had rather not do that.”

I hope no one out there is forced to sing Christmas songs against their will.

I blame popular culture for creating unwinnable expectations for most regular folks. Those are reinforced in everything that we see this time of year. Actually, I have a bias against holiday commercials, movies, and songs. They do not happen to make me feel festive.

No one has a perfect family life, but that is what Santa Claus expects of us. That is what the images and songs tell us. By the way, where I live one rarely experiences a white (snow) Christmas.

Holiday culture is selling us a dream. We imagine it happened once upon a time, and this is the beguiling nature of Christmas. Mostly we are sold a myth that we think occurred once long ago or maybe did in our imperfectly remembered mindscapes. Once upon a time is like a fairytale that corresponds to no actual month, day, and year.

People are craving something that either did not take place or that did not transpire nearly as neatly and happily as we prefer to believe. Christmas is a fantasy we wish to recreate in the present. People have high expectations that cause disappointment.

Mental health is at risk. Most people, I think, realize the spiral of negativity that special days inflict on so many out there. Millions? Maybe, I do not know.

One can be sad about failing to rise up to greet Christmas with the right amount of glee. Then, a person feels sad/guilty about feeling sad. Maybe we do not want to “bring down” the cheerful atmosphere. Perhaps we wonder how others are so happy. We can get jealous. Then, we are sad about being sad but also angry at ourselves for not respecting others’ joy.

This is the difficult situation many people face every year.

Youthful Angst

Sadness might be an imprecise word. It is definitely accurate, but thinking about expectations led to another, less-prominent word: angst.

It has never been defined to my liking. Instinctively I know what angst means but cannot presently explain with much coherency.

Searching online, the word dread kept appearing alongside angst. What a great word. I like it. Plus, it appears to me as very suggestive of what angst feels like.

Were you an angsty teenager? I remember it well and the music that embodied this feeling better than any other human project: Grunge. Some called it Alternative Rock.

Kurt Cobain was the best representative of angst who has ever graced this earth. Whether I think of Cobain or some other Grunger, here are the words that fit the best: non-actionable defiance, mourning, disinterest, iconoclasm, some sadness, and disappointment.

Grungies displayed how they felt with their clothing choices. Tattered jeans and dingy flannel shirts were a must. One could not fit in with a sparkling new outfit from Sears.

Back then, many people (especially teenagers like me) were disappointed in the present and conveyed a dread of the future. We had angst of expectations not met. This was both specific and general.

We were the first generation in the twentieth-century to question the American Dream. Specifically, a home and family seemed a little out of reach or at least not guaranteed.

If you are not of Generation X and/or cannot vibe to what they (me, barely) were all about, that is okay. I am confident that every teenage generation has some verifiable amount of angst.

More to my point here, all teenagers are disappointed. It comes from just being alive in this world, and there are many reasons we can list as causes.

A youth will discover that their father is not the strongest man in the world who can do anything. More importantly, each of us must face the reality that the world does not exist to serve our interests. People lie and cheat. Hypocrisy is just part of life.

My Experience with Expectations

Did you have a religious upbringing? I did. And I figured out, finally, that words spoken on Sundays are often contradicted on the other days of the week. For many years, that did not make sense to me.

Anyone who starts life with optimism must surely face many hard truths. I am calling this disappointment because of high expectations.

It was roughly three years ago that I put the pieces of the puzzle together. That is to say, my mental health had always been poor partly due to misunderstanding the world. I poured over my life, reviewing why I struggled to “fit in” and march in step with the “normies.”

I asked myself, “Why couldn’t you simply feel satisfied and at peace?” “Why was life so difficult and sad for you?”

Then, I realized that I was disappointed from a very early age. There was a vast empty space between what I imagined as true and what I witnessed every day.

Angst is the most vital element to understand human expectations and the disillusionment that follows close behind.

Most don’t become full pessimists but learn to accept what they don’t want. Getting what we want is surprising, and if we do we don’t know what to do with it.

Angst is that world weariness found in countless people. It probably is the guiding emotion that forms that hardened exterior that other people notice and cannot get past. We all know people like that.

Angst is the Worst

Angst makes human beings turn bitter toward merely the idea of happiness, and angst might result in someone who resents others’ accomplishments.

So, what is the remedy for broken expectations? We should still fight for what we want but try to avoid letting people and circumstances we cannot control determine our fates. That is hard.

Make sure you are meeting your own expectations. Realize that there is very little we can control. Try to find the beauty in doing the best you can.

People and things tend to get in the way of our “best laid plans.”

Angst is worse than anger, because the latter is an indication of passion, and possibly, some worthy intent. Angst is unclear and like a general rotting away of purpose and vitality.

Angst is a slow-burning fire that never extinguishes itself and sours the disposition of the person it occupies.

Expectations are both essential and maddening. The more passionate you are the harder the fall from your high standards. But without expectations, we are sleepwalking through life without hope of leaving undeniable evidence that we were here and fought for our dreams.

As I often remind, my ultimate advice on expectations is this: seek out what life expects from you and make your talents your responsibilities.

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