It’s impossible to write on this topic without “No more, Mr. Nice guy” circling around my head. These are lyrics from that overplayed anthem by Alice Cooper. It’s my fault for listening to Classic Rock radio so much.
Something else enters my mind that must be acknowledged, and that is: do nice guys really finish last? Please do not try to answer it, as it is not worth your time. However, the question is not far removed from what I intend to discuss with you today.
A narcissist inspired me to ponder and write about the perils of being nice. He is a real, certifiable narcissist, and I occasionally must deal with him despite great efforts to ignore his existence. As the polar opposite of nice, people like him offer an example of everything not to be. Yet, being a good person does not guarantee anyone will notice, care, or like you.
People with big, fat, obnoxious problems are like the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. They get noticed. They receive attention. This particular narcissist craves the spotlight for any reason at all, and this includes being an unholy pain in the caboose. Here is another old saying: any publicity is good publicity.
Some people, like this narcissist, never suffer consequences for their actions. This is very frustrating for all those who deal with the repercussions. If you are reading this, chances are that you are a nice person. Let’s talk about that a little while. I believe choosing to be nice is a tough road filled with hardships.
I use the word choose, because eventually every person is confronted with the reality that there is an alternative to one’s personality and disposition—whatever that might be. If you are naturally nice you will see that many people are not, and these words might appear in your head: “hmm, it might be easier to not be nice.”
When good people get together the atmosphere is comfortable and pleasant. However, when mean folks enter the picture, the nice person is always at a disadvantage. Always.
The mean-spirited do not play by any rules that are not selfish. On the other hand, we are sensitive to the feelings of others and take care to comport ourselves in some specific manner as to uplift and not offend. Furthermore, we have some idea of the things not to do. Mean people are not sensitive or do not care about anyone and are fine with taking every shortcut.
With all that being said, let me simplify how the not-nice really use their powers for evil. The mean of this world realize that nice people will compromise and retreat from conflict, so they basically attack us over and over knowing they can secure what they want. When someone presses your buttons on purpose, they are asking you this question: “How much are you willing to put up with to guarantee peace?”
To talk further about this subject, and arrive at some helpful conclusions, I must ask the following question. What is the difference between friendly and nice? Some might answer that there is no worthwhile division between the two words. I strongly disagree.
I believe I am nice but not friendly. This is based on years of observations and testimony from other people. Also, I am happy with this arrangement of my personality. I think this is fine.
Socializing is a weakness of mine. I have a short supply of energy—especially for speaking. It is not my purpose in life to be the friendly guy, but I take care to be nice. In recent years, I am proud of being a nice person. If this happens to be you as well, people in your life will figure this out and appreciate you. If not, simply explain to them.
To me, nice describes the basic goodness of a human being who wants to help more than hinder the struggles of other human beings. We feel a little joy when adding positivity to the world. It also feels good to aid a person in any way that might arise. On a similar note, the nice do not feel that little uptick in happiness when criticizing or hurting someone else. We try to avoid that. Oh, and our conscience is healthy and important to our beliefs and actions.
Friendliness is more outward than inward. It is easier seen and judged. It takes longer to demonstrate niceness than friendliness. Someone who is friendly is inclined to speak frequently, notice and welcome strangers, and ask people some version of the “How are you doing?” questions.
Friendliness is a requirement for being in business if that business demands relationships with the public. This quality puts people at ease and facilitates conversations.
Yet, every one of us knows that a friendly person can be all style and no substance. Their outward facade is an act to gain something from others. They are hollow and mean within. And yes, many friendlies are sincere and not mean at all.
You might know where I am going with this, dear reader. It is more important to be nice than friendly. It is common for a narcissist to engage with others and seem very friendly. Sometimes that is called charming. However, beware of the charming when your good sense is telling you that something is not right. Your instinct is probably correct.
Now, let’s consider how we can be our authentically nice selves without getting run over by mean folks. The solution could be to be nice and less friendly. In fact, yes, I am convinced this is a helpful goal to work toward. This is not the only answer to the problem, and I am aware of that fact.
I can think of an example from my life that might be applicable. Actually, I am talking about the same narcissist again.
He employs this devious method where he calls out to me for some polite conversation banking on the probability I will answer. Or, he will come to me with some issue he knows I can and likely will solve. This way, he is forcing me to be friendly to him after some crap he has pulled.
This is manipulation, and I must learn to be un-friendly. Do not coddle the manipulators in your life. You do not owe them a smile or even a friendly word.
Think of it this way: You are being nice and helpful by not enabling mean behavior. The world is improved a little, and the bad person gets punished. This is nice and fair.
Actually, the un-nice will target the super-friendly. They see a friendly person as weak and ready to be exploited. If you want to be at your best, nurture the great things inside you and forget putting on the costume of what the world expects you to be. Let your inside goodness shine outward, but this light will not be as bright as the concentrated super-rays that friendliness casts.
But, the light that is real and comes from sincerity shines much longer after the light of the friendly has dimmed.
Thus, you do not have to be the energetic, super-smiley, demonstrably friendly person to exist in harmony with your pleasant instincts and intentions. Soulful people will attract others of the same kind.
You can even be the nicest person in the world and wear a scowl. In my opinion, it is odd to ask me, as a sensitive person, to walk around as if nothing is wrong in the world. This does not ring true.
I am not saying that bad people will leave you alone because you are less friendly. However, more people are likely to respect you when you are existing in greatness instead of performing friendliness. Respectability is of greater value than likeability. I believe your authenticity will make you less susceptible to the petty assaults from the mean people.
Be nice, and it will shine through and light up the world.
THANKS FOR READING.
HAVE YOU EVER FELT PERSECUTED BECAUSE YOU ARE A NICE PERSON?
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I, too, have heard that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. I have also heard that the squeaky wheel often gets replaced. Consider replacing that unpleasant narcissist.
Oh, I be dencin’ my sass all up in my own house at the drop of a hat 🔥💃🏼
Thank you.
Wait, there’s a test for boundaries?