Those Mysterious Backward Hatters

Be part of the solution not the problem

A healing ritual

It’s the baking season. However, I am not talking about pies, cakes, and casseroles. No, in the South it is Summertime, and the living is miserable. June, July, August, and September offer up days where survival is the best we can do.

I mention the weather to say that I am probably irritable, and this is why I chose to talk about a topic that is an eyesore, a throw-up-your-hands in disgust thing, and probably the worst development in the history of planet Earth: the prolonged existence of backward-hatters.

I confess to being hatless as a rule. My head is giant with lots of hair, and I’ve never looked good in them. But, if I did wear a baseball cap, it would be sitting on my head in the forward, civilized position that nature intended.

You have seen backward-hatters in the wild and averted your gaze when their eyes met yours. Perhaps you have only spotted them from a distance, and if so count yourself as lucky.

Most likely, a backward-hatter will not attack you, but this has been known to happen on rare occasions. Bad rap music tends to excite them and might cause wild gyrations as they socialize with their own kind.

You might be asking: Why do they still hang around with their obnoxious caps turned the wrong way? I mean it is 2025 and not 1995. But I do not have a good or even a bad answer for you, dear readers. I just don’t have a clue.

Sometimes I wonder if there is an easily solvable issue going on that could help the backward-hatters. I ask myself: Has no one told them that you turn a cap the other way to wear it properly? Could they just be ignorant?

Well, I probably will never find this out, because I judge approaching them as too dangerous. It seems you often find them in packs of 3 or more, as well.

But let’s get half-serious for a while. The backward-hat is over. It has been dead for roughly 15-20 years. Bad fashion choices die hard I guess, because we still find men donning the notoriously silly and oddly infuriating wrong-way baseball cap. I mean, it does not have to be an official baseball cap, but that is what I and many others call them. Or, you might have heard the term “ball cap.”

The origins of the backward-hat are just as mysterious to me as bigfoot or mega-sharks. I can guess the reasons for the beginning of this trend but fail to see why people continue to do it despite evidence of its goofiness.

I reckon the backward-hat once was a symbol of being laid-back and cool. Someone who turns their cap the wrong way obviously is not worried about what others think of him. Also, he must not have anything important to do that day—so others assume he is fun and ready to party.

As we grow older, however, backward-hat-ism should be left behind. As an adult, it is suddenly not cool at all to have nothing to do.

Plus, the backward-hat is not the least bit rebellious. It is more of an admission that one bows down to corporate culture and accepts whatever television says is hip. Backward-hatters are not originals.

Sorry, but I am unwilling to accept any justification for backward hat-ism. If the bill is getting in the way for some reason, remove the hat altogether. This is the classy thing to do. This is what George Washington would have done if baseball caps had existed back then.

The backward hat can make the most distinguished, well-dressed man look like one of the bros that you knew back in the old days. The backward-hatter must live with an ignominious dishonor that will follow him around. Yes, you can be a good person and a backward hatter, but not a serious one. No one will ask your opinion on grown-up matters and assume you are about to go skateboarding or play hacky sack.

Like many, I am afraid for our youth who will grow up and face that decision that every male (sometimes even females) must confront: forward or backward? Are you willing to be there for support with your caps properly oriented toward the future?

Because, as a society, we cannot go backward. We have learned many hard-fought lessons about headwear and now is not the time to recede toward the unenlightened, archaic past.

As for me, I am trying to organize ex-backward-hatters for a speaking tour at high schools all over the country. If you are one, please apply so you can share the horror stories and, of course, your successful recovery.

We still have time. All is not lost. If you are a person with a cap that is always in the correct position, consider yourself a hero.

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Thanks for reading. Sometimes we have to get a little silly. Life is absurd, after all. Please do not take every single thing I write as part of my personal manifesto. Sometimes, I am kidding. Though, backward hats suck.